I was lying in bed after a full weekend, loosing myself in my thoughts before falling asleep, when something came over me that made my eyes pop open. “I am pregnant!” I stumbled in a groggy state to the bathroom and rummaged through a drawer to find a pregnancy test. As I waited, rubbing my eyes, that faint pink line started to appear. I cracked a smile and thought, “Ok God, this is Your plan and we’ve got this”.
I immediately went downstairs to meet my husband with, “I think I am pregnant and I am going out to get more tests”. It was 11:30 at night, and as I drove to the 24 hour pharmacy, I prayed openly to God. I prayed for the health of the baby and for the worry I had about finances, work, etc… I would put these in God’s hands trusting everything would work out and to follow my mantra “Patience, Faith, Reward”.
Over the next few days and several tests later, that faint pink line turned into and indisputable dark pink line. That line represented our baby, our future, our family of 5.
The morning sickness hit hard shortly after finding out. I was tired and felt sick for most of the day, but I knew that this was our baby growing and sickness is usually attributed with a healthy pregnancy, so it was somewhat comforting. We had a miscarriage at 5 weeks between our two children and this baby was due on the exact day that our miscarried baby was due. I thought this was a good sign,
“Surely this wouldn’t happen twice with the same due date!”
With every week that passed, my husband and I spoke about our future family of 5. If it was a girl, Jillian May and a boy Bryce Richard both names with deep family ties. As I drove to work, I looked in the rear view mirror imagining 3 car seats. I was excited that God was giving us another child to raise knowing His love. We planned on revealing our pregnancy at our annual Christmas party; the same place we announced our pregnancy for our daughter 2 years earlier.
I had just passed 9 weeks and I was getting ready for my son’s 4th Birthday party. We had a busy day with family coming up to visit, my brother’s college football game to attend, and the party to follow. While at the game, I discovered things were not right and immediately left for the hospital. I called my husband who had stayed back with our daughter, to tell him to keep going on with the party and I will be there as soon as possible. I could tell the concern in his voice, but we were both trying to stay strong as people arrived at our house.
As I sat in the same hospital room as I was for my first miscarriage 3 years earlier, I held out hope that this was somehow something else, that the bleeding was going to stop and everything would be OK. I was reassuring myself, “You can’t be miscarrying, you have felt so sick!” I prayed that whatever the verdict would be that I was comforted in knowing that it was God’s plan. The doctor came in after all of the results were in to tell me that although my numbers all looked good for a viable pregnancy, they did not detect a baby on the sonogram. Upon release, I had to sign off on a paper that labeled my baby as a “Missed Abortion”.
As I drove home, I was mad. I thought, “An Abortion!?! that was something someone chose and I didn’t choose this!” I composed myself and met the guests at the party with a smile. We sang happy birthday and I watched my son delight in opening his gifts. My husband and I found a quick quiet place for me to relay the news and after a quick embrace, we returned the party with smiles.
The next few weeks were some of the most emotional weeks of our marriage. As the pregnancy left my body, so did the hopes and dreams of our family of 5. As the exhaustion of the day and the reality settled in, my husband and I wept in each other’s arms. Just as if we were to have the baby, we were in this together. He wiped my tears, comforted me and assured me that it wasn’t my fault. Although this was physically happening to me, it was truly happening to the both of us. Instead of selfishly living this loss within myself, I remembered that my husband too was losing a baby.
It is easy to internalize this situation and exclude your husband. It feels so personal because it is happening to your body, but I would encourage anyone going through this to be compassionate of their husband’s feelings through the loss and include him in how you are feeling.
We turned to the following verses for comfort: